This came to me in the middle of the night, a few nights before my husband died. It woke me in a flurry to find pen and a pad, to jot down what was appearing in my mind’s eye. I have shared this with a few friends that have also had big losses. Maybe it will help you as it has me. When I read it to my husband the next day, a tear slid down his cheek. If it helps anyone to have understanding or gain peace, that makes it all the more wonderful.

ME
by Arlene Ritzhaupt

Where will I be
When I’m going to be me?
How will I know when I’m me?
Since it’s all about me?

When my color turns gray,
Will it truly be me?
Do I sing?
Do I cry?
Do I want me to be me?

Will I fit?
Can I stand it?
Will the skin be too tight?
Will it be comfy and cozy?
With my sweet home in sight?

Will I want to be me from bone to bone?
Will I say I’m happy as if I were home?
Will it fit for me, to be at home with the me that I be?

Where will I be when I’m truly me?
Will the being me be the best of the being?
Will I have earned my stripes and enjoy being me?

Can I truly be me?
For if I don’t like me what shall I do?
Can I remake me all over and new?
From scratch this time, I hope to be me.

What can I add that will make me be me?
More like the me of me,
The me I must be.
The me I should be.
The me I want to be.
The me I will be.
The me I can understand as me.

Please could you tell me, the me I’m to be?
Please give me a clue of who this me should be.
There is a me inside that’s grown beyond this me.
There is a me that’s not the me, as I know it to be.

For it follows me.
It whispers to me,
It taunts me, to be me.

But I still don’t hear what this me must be.
Tell me for sure in words that I hear.
Who is this me that I must be?

Tell me of this me that I am to be.
How can I now change this me that I be?

Now, can I muster to improve the me that I be.
For I feel the pull of the challenge to be just ME.

Written 2003 posted 2017
Arlene “Ritzy” Ritzhaupt
All rights reserved